Feeling A Little Too Camouflaged

Just when I feel as if I'm having a good day, and feel "normal"... WHAM.   I get hit with something and feel as if I simply can't handle it.  I find the only way I do want to handle things is to get on my PJ's, go to bed, and stay there for a LONG time. Maybe writing this out will help, and keep me from hiding under the covers?!?


Today's instance falls into one of my "problem" categories.  See, I like blending in.  I don't want to stand out.  I don't want to have something for folks to tease, or could use to make fun of me.  I don't want noticed.  I don't want attention drawn to me.  I do not want any negative attention or thoughts about me.  However, I would occasionally like to be recognized and thought of positively.  I don't know.  I can't imagine this being unusual.


My problem, especially as of late is that I feel as if I'm a little too camouflaged at times (for the positive stuff) and not camouflaged at others (for the negative stuff.)



Rationally thinking, I know I'm not that different, or purposely being treated differently.  But man does it hurt when I feel I'm not "included".  And, as of late I feel more often than not that I'm not "included".


To clarify... I know I'm 'different'.  I have a different personality.  I'm quiet and to myself, and it can come across as having an air about myself.  You know, it's easy to not-care or slough off not being thought of highly or included by some.  Just as an example, not that this has ever happened but to better communicate what I'm trying to say...  If a group of friends were going to go to a bar, and invited everyone in the office except me, it wouldn't bother me.  It would actually make me feel proud to not be asked for them knowing who I was and what I stood for.  It's furthering my testimony for God's grace.  

Like I said, there are times I like being camouflaged, or blended in.  Then there are times I wish my 'colors' would stand out, and I'd get noticed.  I want to have camo on for the negative stuff, and wear highly visible clothing for the positive.



Please know I don't live my life for recognition from others.  Recognition from God is of ultimate importance.  But I'd be lying if I didn't say that occasional recognition from 'man'  wouldn't help! 



I'd like to know that my life made a difference, that I did something to impact those around me. 



I often feel as if life is like a bank account.  People or circumstances withdraw from the account frequently.  It would be nice if once in a while they made a deposit. :^)